


A Letter for XX

by sweetlolixo



Series: A Letter for XX [1]
Category: the GazettE
Genre: Alternate Universe - Guardian Angel, Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-15 01:35:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7200110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetlolixo/pseuds/sweetlolixo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kouyou, Yuu's guardian angel, has loved him so, so much. But now Heaven is taking him away from Yuu, and Kouyou is determined to write his very last letter for Yuu, his one and only final gift...</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Letter for XX

**Author's Note:**

> Fic originally posted onto LiveJournal [here](http://sweetlolixo.livejournal.com/30932.html) on August 15, 2010.
> 
> Song Inspiration: [Unbelievable / Kaci Brown](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rjsugt1io1Q)

Dear XX,  
  
I have never known your name, they never allowed me to.

But I love you.  
  
Does that make sense?  
  
You may never know me, and you may never read this, but it's OK, because I had fun spending the last decade with you. The mere thought of not being able to see you properly grow up and get married, have children – that mere thought, it kills me.

But I guess it's better this way. But you know what? I would have treated your children as mine, as well, because I love you, and I will give them the same proper love. Even though I wouldn't have liked the thought of you loving someone else very much, even though you would never have known me, but it's OK, because it's you.

XX, do you know the many things I've done for you?

I grew up with you. The day you were born, I was born as well. Not really “born”, but created into this world to protect and look after you. Ironic, isn't it? But this is just how the guardian angels system works. Both a new baby and an angel specially for them is created at the same time. Specially for you, XX. Do you know what this means?

I was created into this world because of you, only, and for you.  
  
You should feel honoured, XX, because I do. I was right beside you when you were wailing and screaming in your little crib. I was playing with you and laughing along with your dreamy black orbs as they gazed intensely back into mine. You were probably wondering who I was, but it didn't matter, because at that time I didn't know as well, and we both played countlessly for days after that.  
  
You were so adorable as a baby.  
  
I knew you would make a very handsome man when you grew up, just like how you are now, XX. Just like the man I had fallen irrevocably in love with. It's a mistake, I know, and I've tried to hide it, tried to push it away, tried everything but all attempts had been futile.  
  
And now I am going to pay for this huge, _huge_ mistake.

I still remember when you were five. Young, small, so pure and innocent, stumbling and tripping all over. Your parents were worried because you hadn't known how to walk properly as of yet – but if only they knew the real reason for it so; you had been too busy playing with me, always, in that little room of yours. Your parents thought maybe you had a problem, because you would laugh and pinch my cheeks randomly, and what they saw was just their little baby boy pinching thin air, and I should have known it was the first few problematic stages that would soon lead into the big mistake it had escalated into, now. If I had known I had been violating the rules – I had misunderstood the meaning of “acting as a regular playmate for the human you've been assigned to” - I would have stopped, XX, I wouldn't have continued straying you away from your original intended, human path.

So I quickly taught you how to stop crawling and take baby steps, your chubby hands fitting nicely into my small, enclosed palm, holding and leaning onto me for support, and in a few days' time you had mastered it. You were always a quick learner XX, and I've always been so proud of you.

Later on, you entered elementary school and refused to talk to anyone else but the air.

That was me.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever looked back on your childhood days and laughed it off, because you had seemed so silly then, talking to no particular person at all. Sometimes I wonder if you thought you had been mentally insane back then, and sometimes I wonder if you ever wanted to know if your young playmate had been real all along.

Because I am, and I _need_ you to know that.

_Before I slowly fade away..._

Your teachers all thought you were crazy, and I overheard their musings in the staff room as they would mark your Astar worthy homework and drawings. 'The boy's so talented' One would comment, but the other would rebutt 'A pity he's crazy...'.

I was so mad then, I purposely spilled hot coffee all over her skirt at that very comment. She got burnt, but she insulted you, XX, and I didn't like that. No one could insult my perfect boy.

I may be your only friend back then, but you were happy, and you made me so, _so_ euphoric I loved seeing your smile lit up your whole face, your shining, gleaming eyes laughing along with my non-existent self. You would curl up and sleep with me at night, and I would embrace you underneath the covers and wonder if that particular moment could never end.

You entered middle school.

That was the moment many guardian angels would lose their appearance to their assigned “tasks” (aka humans). That was the moment I dreaded the most, the moment I lay awake at night wondering if perhaps I could be a special case, that maybe you would still be able to see me, and only me...

At first you would say gibberish words as you looked at me (you couldn't talk yet, and I was partly to blame, but that's a whole other story) – words that I loosely translated into 'Why are you disappearing?' - and I knew soon I would completely vanish from your sight, although I would still evidently be by your side everyday, still sheltering you over any harm, helping you and taking good care of you.

I clung onto every day since then, until the day you suddenly stopped talking to me.

Until the day you seemed to forget completely everything about me.

The day I had so miserably sobbed, tears gushing down my cheeks when I tried speaking to you again, only to see my transparent hand go through your body.

I couldn't touch you anymore.

I missed your touch, XX, and I still do. But I've slowly resigned to the fact that I can't feel you anymore, and with every minute a part of me is disappearing. Which is why I am quickly finishing up this letter, even though I may never know if this letter will make it to the other world – to _your_ world, specifically. Knowing the cruel heaven, they wouldn't allow it to, but I'm doing everything, just to let you know you had once been loved so deeply before.

That you hadn't been crazy all these while. And most importantly,

I want you to know that I existed, _more_ than everything.

I thought the times in middle school were bad, but when you entered high school it grew worse. In middle school, my job tasks started growing less and less. You started learning how to take care of yourself, though not efficiently, but – you needn't need me as much anymore, and I hated that feeling, that feeling of not being wanted, needed, or even thought of.

_If only you knew..._

In middle school, you learnt about girls, crushes and everything else. You knew about love. And it hurt everytime I saw you grow a new crush, or blush everytime someone you liked gave you attention.

I gave you attention my whole life, XX, so why did _I_ deserve this?

Remember the time the girl you liked gave you a kiss? XX, do you know how she ever got those bruises and cuts on her face after that very fateful day? I'm guilty of pushing her into a drain on her way home. Things you will never know, even though I feel that you must.

I'm sorry, XX. I must have been _real_ mature then. Doing these sort of evil, horrible things to young children. I was subsequently punished heavily by not being able to see you for three days straight, and after those days of abstinence, I learnt my lesson and never dared to go against the will of heaven again. If anything, I could _not_ never see you.

You were my every breath.

In high school, you started growing your hair long, and got in with the scene kids and started styling your hair heavily. You looked really cool, and grew much more handsome and suave, things I never could be (things that were the very opposite of me) because I was a guardian angel. Even if I didn't like the person you slowly morphed into (which I do), I still loved you unconditionally anyways, because I knew you inside out, from head to toe, and no one else will ever know you as much as I do.

I deserve to love you like this, so why is it that I'm being punished like this? Why is Heaven punishing me? I was sent to love you. So what if I had crossed the line?

You played the guitar and attracted much unwanted attention from others. I really didn't like it, but I couldn't control it either, because the last time I did it – look where it got me? You started to get into official relationships, and then you started to kiss – things angels like me would never have a chance to attempt... But all the more I wanted to do it with you.

I wanted to do so, _so_ many things with you, XX. Go to a theme park with you, eat ice cream with you, study with you, embrace you again just like before, cook your favourite food, and the list goes on - things regular humans did with their lovers. I used to daydream of our wedding day, and the many fruitful events that would follow after. I know we can't have children, but I still thought about it anyway, because XX, our children would be perfect. You are perfect, so they naturally would be as well. As smart, talented, beautiful, all of them just like you.

Do you know, how every night, as you lay down on your bed counting the stars from your window, trying to get to sleep – I was there beside you, too? Everyday, every moment, every wake of time. I was there counting with you, holding your hand and smiling with you. Talking to you, observing you, even if I never got any reply back. I was always there, just so you wouldn't be alone, and I wanted you to know you weren't as alone as you felt then, I want you know that you have never been alone.

Sometimes, when you finally fell asleep – that obstinate, stubborn nature of yours prevented you from resting till late in the night – I would sneak a peck on your lips, your cheek, and those were the vulnerable times that my body could actually feel yours. Only when the human body finally lay to rest did us angels get a chance to feel, touch them again. And I took advantage of every opportunity I could.

Because when you awoke, everything would be gone.

I would be content with anything.

…But then it happened.

I was so regretful of it then, but I... I really couldn't control myself.

XX, do you know what happened? Do you still remember? As far as I understood, they had erased all memories of it from your mind. But I believe you still do.

You can't possible forget.

It had been a slow, dark night.

You were drunk. Down the quiet club alley, and you were so vulnerable and alone. You had just suffered a last break up, a very, _very_ bad one, and you were so upset. I was so upset, too, it hurt me to see you like this.  
  
Those men followed you.

Do you know what they wanted to do to you, XX? I saw it in their heads. It was so filthy, so dirty, and it irked me so much. I wanted so much to throw physical punches at them, but when I caught up with them and tried laying my hand onto them, my hand slipped through them as always.

But then I was reminded that even though I couldn't touch humans, I could touch non living objects...

…And that's exactly what I did, when they cornered you and tried to force you into doing things you never wanted to, things forbidden and too gruesome for such a pure, beautiful soul for you to ever experience. I could never let anything happen to you.

_I killed them._

And as they got shot down, one by one, it felt so, _so_ good. I was smirking then, proud of my work – they had all lay battered and bruised on the floor, blood flowing out from their bodies like endless streams, they were beaten until they couldn't even be recognised anymore... They were dead.

They got what they deserved, for _even thinking_ of trying to harm you.

But then your horrific gasps slipped from your parted lips and I knew something was wrong.

You saw me.

Blood stained both my face and angelic, white clothes. And my wings, too, which lay evident for all to see. You stared at me, eyes widened, your hand over your mouth to stop yourself from puking at the gory sight, and those emotions in those dark, intense orbs that used to gaze at me when you were just a mere toddler.... You looked so afraid, so tired, so scared of me.

'I'm not going to hurt you,' I whispered, and my hand reached out to caress your face, but you strayed from me.

My heart... it wrenched, then. All my life, I had been protecting you.

Now the person I had loved and sheltered my whole existence was fearful of me.

'I love you!' I shouted, but my throat was too dry for me to speak, as if something was preventing me, constricting the amount of words I could say. But it still came out – only in what seemed like a small whisper, a small audible amount of voice...

Did you hear me, XX?  
  
I looked back to myself, and I noticed that my hands were already disappearing, transcending slowly into thin air, and I knew the amount of time I had left was slowly running out.  
  
You turned away and wanted to run. I could hear your screaming thoughts all the way from my position then, asking you to run and never turn back, that this man was probably an insane stalker or someone drunk, someone that was clearly dangerous, someone that he should probably run from.

If only you knew, XX, that I was none of that.

I was only doing what I was supposed to do my whole life.

_I was only loving you._

But you didn't pick up speed. You didn't walk over to me and deliver a slap across my face, either. You did what you always did: being the nice, polite, refined man you always had been.

The beautiful man I had come to love.

'Thank you.' Your hoarse voice choked out, admist all the silent sobbing.

I smiled then, a big, huge, wide smile.

Then you were gone.

No – more specifically, _I_ was gone.

I was enveloped in empty darkness, until I fluttered my eyes open and found myself in this black prison cell. Heaven's deepest, darkest prison cell.

I had broken the ultimate rule.

I had killed humans un-necessarily, for the sake of you. I had mis-used my powers.

And I had loved you. The power was so intense then that I was made visible to you right then in that alley way, that enabled you to be able to see me.

But XX, I never regretted any of it then, do you believe me?

I did all this because I loved you.

So, _so_ much.

I thought day and night of you. Everyday. Constantly. I couldn't do anything else. I knew I would spend my next decade here, alone, until I finally repented, until I admitted my mistake.

But I never will, because you were special. I did it for you, and even though I'm not proud of it, but I'm proud of the means I had gone to protect you.

I love you.

I broke out of that prison cell today. Only after two weeks of captivation. I felt so miserable, _so_ alone... And I knew I just had to see you again.

I knew that escaping from your punishment was a tremendous offence.

I knew that the punishment for this would be death.

I would be erased completely from this world, as if I never existed. You would be assigned a new angel in the meantime.

But it's OK, because I wasn't willing to spend the next decade without you. By the time, you would be dead, and I wouldn't have anything to continue living for.

I wanted you.

To me, seeing you just one last time was even better than being alone. It's OK if I'm gone.

I had achieved mission impossible.

I had spoken to you.

It had only been two words – Thank you – but I remembered the exact moment, the exact time and everything so clearly in my mind, and I re-enacted it every waking second of the day. Your exact emotions, voice, tone... It rang in my ears everyday.

It had been what I had always wanted.  
  
You may never have known who I was, but you had at least known that someone out there – someone loved you so much to save you. To kill, for you. All for you, XX...

Now, I lie beside you. You're sleeping, and your breathing is uneven, but I know it's only because of the aftershock you received after that incident. But you don't have to worry anymore.

I'm here.

Perhaps you really have forgotten about me, just like heaven said. Perhaps they really have erased your memory, but I believe none of it. XX, you would never do such thing. You would remember me.

Because I will always do.

I lean over and kiss you for the last time.

I am coming to the end of my very long letter, XX, and I do not know if this letter will ever make it to you. I hope it does, and I hope heaven does not take this away from me, because I want you to know everything I have ever done for you, I want you to have this last gift from me. If anything happens, always know that I have always been and will still continue to be there for you.

Heaven may erase me, but I will remain litted as your brightest star in the dark skies every night for you. When you feel sad, please, just look out of the window and look for me.

You will recognise me, because I will guide you. Please hold me close to your heart and never forget.

I love you.

_Signed,_

_Your Guardian Angel,_

_Kouyou._

~  
  
Yuu looked out of the window for the brightest star that night.

**Author's Note:**

> in the midst of transferring more of my works from my LJ to AO3! :>
> 
> this is a reaaaally old series, and an even older fic! but I hope you still enjoy.


End file.
